My biggest worry…

Published December 2, 2014 by Iphis of Scyros

…about the presentation is what people are going to think about me/ask me about afterwards.  It’s not that I don’t think I can answer their questions, or that they’ll ask a question that I don’t know the answer to that I really ought to.  It’s that I’m worried they’re going to ask “so, are you a lesbian, then?”  Because I’m afraid that if they ask, I’ll answer honestly and say something snarky like “I’m fat, ugly, introverted, weird, misanthropic, and generally no fun to be around.  I’ve never had any chance to have any kind of sexuality.”  Of course, if they don’t ask and just assume, that’s not really that much better.  Not that it’s like I see any possible dating prospects among the other students in the class, but…yeah, let’s face it, I have no possible dating prospects anywhere in the world, and I’m only fooling myself when I try to pretend otherwise.

Regardless, this issue is exactly why I wanted to make my thesis on the more general topic of the changing depictions of Achilles’ entire sex life, not just about his relationship with Patroclos.  That was how the professor instantly re-interpreted my prospective thesis topic as I was describing it to him.  I suppose it’s a stronger topic from an intellectual stand-point, but it’s more than a little awkward.  And I shudder to think what will happen if later presentations in the thesis path eventually require me to go into verbal detail about, say, changing attitudes towards anal sex.  I have no problems reading or even writing about that, but I think if I had to talk about it in front of a group of people, I would break down into helpless fits of “um” and “er” and other pathetic non-words.  (I would say that I’d turn bright red, but I don’t think I blush.  At all.  In my novels, I’m always describing people as feeling their faces turn hot when they blush, but I’ve never had that feeling.)

On the other hand, I feel surprisingly confident about having actually written the presentation.  Not that I think it’s all that good, mind you, but it feels very complete.  Well, it felt more complete before I had to chop it in half to make it only 15 minutes long, but…yeah, it feels like I’ve done all I can with the topic in the time limit.  I’ll give it another going over tomorrow, naturally, but…the sudden appearance of (gasp) free time in my schedule is weird and almost terrifying.  It’s hard to get used to NaNo being over, I guess.

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