I knew this would happen eventually.
But I wasn’t ready for it to happen so soon.
Yesterday morning, she was cuddled up against my legs, purring as I finished up my paper, and then wrote my post.
When I got back from class last night, she was dead.
I still don’t know how to cope.
Every time I go through a door in my house, I expect to see her sitting on the other side, making that squeaky, almost inaudible meow, to complain that I was on the other side of a closed door. She hated that. I think it was separation anxiety. She hadn’t been an only cat for all that long.
This was a two cat house almost as soon as I moved in in 1999. Suddenly, it’s a no cat house.
But I can’t get a new cat; I can’t face going through this again. It hurts too much.
I’m not sure if I’m handling this better or worse than I did with Orion.
I cried more for Orion. I was crying hysterically for hours. But for a lot of that time, he was still alive. He had been in the (veterinary) hospital for more than a week, and eventually I had to face up to the fact that he wasn’t going to get better, and I had to make the decision that he wasn’t really alive anymore except in an artificial way.
It wasn’t just that he died; it was that I had to authorize his death. There was guilt as well as sorrow.
But I didn’t have to see him after he died.
The shock of finding my lonely, affectionate cat dead on the couch…there wasn’t any adequate preparation for that in my own life history.
I couldn’t face staying here last night, and spent the night on my brother’s couch.
I don’t know what I’m going to do from here on out, not at first.
I don’t think I can face sitting on that sofa again. But my house is such a terrible mess that it’ll be months before I can replace it. (It would take less time if my class didn’t meet on Thursday nights when my garbage goes out on Fridays. The logical time to do my cleaning is Thursday, so bagged up garbage won’t sit around long, but with class meeting on Thursday nights, that’s not really an option, unless I want to be cleaning into the wee hours of the morning.)
For the moment, I suppose I’m going to be spending all my time either in my bedroom, or out of the house.
I’ll clean up when I can so I can replace the couch and try to resume an everyday life. A lonelier everyday life.