There’s a neighborhood I drive through on my way to the museum that has several gay bars, and today I noticed they had painted their crosswalks with rainbows. I’m not sure if that was done to celebrate the Supreme Court’s decision (quickly done, if so) or if it was just part of the re-painting of lines after the roadwork the past few weeks, but either way, it’s pretty.
(Was that a shallow conclusion, or is it just me?)
Anyway, I noticed news stories last night and today talking about people rushing to get married now that the government was finally ready to admit that it had no right to stop them. (Though why it had to get all the way up to the Supreme Court first is beyond me. Are there really that many homophobes and reactionaries out there? I guess there are…) Of course, my first reaction to the stories of the people getting married at last was “Ah, that’s good. I’m so happy for them!”
But then I couldn’t stop thinking “I wonder what that’s like?”
It’s a jealous wondering.
Because I don’t know what it’s like. I don’t know how it feels to love someone, or to be loved by someone. The same applies to all those zillions of straight couples that get married every year, naturally.
I know I’m in the minority–4%–but that knowledge only makes me feel worse.
It’s not like there’s anything to do about it. Even if I had any idea where to go to look for a relationship, no one would believe a woman of my age was only entering into her first relationship, and they would think I was up to something unsavory, unethical or downright illegal. Or if they did believe me, they would try to take advantage of me in some way. (Presumably financially. No, not “presumably.” Definitely. No other possibility exists.)
Now I’m depressed.
I think I’d better stop before it gets worse.